i’m embarrassed. i’m fucking disappointed. im pissed, goddammit, so sick of being this pissed off..all the time… and well, pissed on as well. regardless, it sucks being in this state. a constant haze, un-clarity. buzzing bees and scan lines on the display. it haunts. there are times, however, when i do.. let go. on my toes, hands outstretched, chest out, the breath fills my lungs and i begin to fall forward. my eyes are closed and there is no floor. only time and space. only now.
there are clear moments .. in which the world seems balanced and aligned and i can use those moments to learn something new, to solve a problem, to gain inspiration! in these recent years they are fewer and farther between, these moments.
im trying to modify my body and brain chemistry right now to find that sweet spot, so to speak in my psyche where i feel that motivation again. the pressure. am i just lazy? i lie to myself.
in the past its been for all the wrong reasons.. but using the right reasons seems almost contrite or cynical now. my heart isnt in it. im not filled with light. im fragmented, and my view of the space i travel in is as well. illusions, like i’m treading water, off balance. constantly turning dials. i relate it to the state of my physical deafness, my inability to hear specific frequencies. i don’t know if my ears are clogged with wax, or if it’s my infected gums but the ringing in my ears is a constant reminder than i’m falling apart fast.
the blurred letters i type now.