becoming a joke [or] the last of these feelings

not wanting to share this on social media already makes me feel like im taking a step in the right direction. . unless you consider a blog a form of social media, im just using it as a soundboard to anyone who would listen. if i lay it out on facebook, for example it just because a meme, easily downplayed or discarded or dissected.. i cant be my complete sexual self on facebook, either. or talk about addiction, or mental illness, or suicide, or murder for that matter in the public eye where my kid could see it, or my mother, or somebody else who might worry or have their feelings hurt..

what about me? what about my feelings? what about my inability to handles my anxiety to the point where I end up in the paralysis of a emotional episode.. whether it be panic, or a relapse, or fear..just cold fear..? 

all other symptoms of these episodes also emerge.. acting out on impulses, isolation, depression, fear.. 

while its happening im mostly aware, mostly passive, thinking itll just continue on but as time passes i’m noticing i’m unable to communicate in a way that shows any urgency to the recipient. im unable to connect in a way that implies an empathetic interaction .. emotions are just a big white noise.. everything makes me cry. happy/sad.. but being on the edge of this intense emotional threshold doesnt bother me.. i dont want to not feel .. its important to me to feel things intensely but now i feel the valve is off, that ive added mood changing and programming features to my system trying to find a way to balance it all and I feel more imbalanced than ever.

i dont want to share this with anyone because honestly, i dont want people feeling sorry for me.. i dont want to worry anyone. yet my actions should worry anyone who cares I would think. 

i stopped taking my necessary medications over a month ago. maybe longer. i dont know why. i dont want to die, i dont want to live either. im apathetic to the whole experience right now, the world crisis list of unprecedented proportions and I am left just fearful and apathetic. I want to fight it but either dont know where to start or feel the fight is unwinnable. that i should be preparing for something. that i should be protecting my kids but to speak this to anyone puts me in a crazy category. i dont feel crazy i just feel hyper concerned. i feel paranoid and fearful for my mom, my kids who I hardly talk to or see.. my “friends” all over the world, each one im sure with a similar psychosis to my own. i don’t want to be anyones problem. who can fuckin’ help me anyway? have you seen downtown on the streets? insanity everywhere. dying souls everywhere. 

i used to think i was special, that i was meant to change something, but i dont remember that last time i felt that way.  i cant find my way through a meaningful relationship. i searched my sexuality and i’ve found my comfortable place and theres a vacuum where that desire used to be. that drive was placed there by a learned behavior and now I have health problems because of that obsession and another.

i just want to share simple things. to laugh. to grow, to build! i’m alone! everyone used to ask your worst fear and here i am! i feel so fucking alone.

i dont want you to know by i write it because maybe somebody knows what to do with this information. i just holding on right now. just rolling with it. i have no desire to end it but im still indifferent. my worst fears on that is leaving my sons and mother in this fucked up world. What’s sadder still is I don’t really care what my dad thinks about it. That’s a whole other story. I love him. I forgive him. So much he never atoned for. He has he has atoned with Christ. I try not to feel angry about that. It’s my problem them, right? Ugh, I digress.

none of the women i loved love me back, remember my name or trust me enough. the whole point the whole time was to build something and now im more than halfway done and i havent a single thing to show for it as far as what people consider to be “success”.

poor bil. poor guy. all the chiche single parent poor child .. but i never went hungry, not really. i have no reason to complain yet my self entitled ego affliction implies otherwise. who am i to even be writing this? God or no god? Who the fuck am I to even think I have a right to feel slighted, or entitled, or in need? I want to be free of this.. this longing, .. i dont want to starve or fight wars or know an example.  i know thats coming. i just would love to feel that “click” of harmony! every time I get close something shifts. then what do i do with that? roll with the punches? ignore my inner voice? go with the flow and do whats expected of me? i dont even really know what that is but I dont see choices that work or provide any hope. maybe im just blind. maybe im afraid of finding out. am i really that selfish and stupid and naive to think it would stay the same forever and we would figure it out together. i dont have a together right now. im a 3rd wheel in everything. ive never felt this way before.

stuck. so stuck. learn to help yourself out. stop talking! stop typing! find a way to disconnect. theres got to be an answer for me, a path, anything. why do i feel like i have to apologize for this? so angry and confused. lost. find my path. show me my path please. someone.

About Bil Black

musician, producer, pathfinder, Herr Hoku, prophet, channeler, defender of the analog/digital domains and defenseless animals, he who is confused,, sapiosexual, loner, rebel, explorer of time and space, watcher from the wall and shield to the realm of men.
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