this cycle.. this never ending wave of bad decision making? lying to myself, telling everybody i’m ok. losing everyone i love, losing everything i own. always giving myself away, thinking im worth less than everyone else?
i dont know how to deal with this anymore. i wish i could go back to choices. just disconnect.
from the divorce i have the dogs. they are rescue dogs. they bark at everyone. they’re afraid. i understand them but unless you understand them you can’t befriend them. human beings, unfortunately, are slaves to their perceptions prompted by fear. most of the people that my dogs dont like are people that are either not trustworthy or are unable for some reason or another of friendship or love.
there are other times where people come in and the barking just stops, they’re cool, its natural. this is the type of person i am.
unfortunately getting an apartment or anything like that with dogs is really hard or extra expensive. getting roommates even more difficult. i cant survive on my own in san diego. not without a car and i certainly couldnt live by the beach in my home town without sacrificing all my time to work.
maybe i should just give in?
which is why i want to quit everything, all drugs and alcohol.. even meat and sugar if i were so daring.
im going to die if i dont make a change.
nobody knows this but you. im not putting it on facebook. twitter. just here. do what you want with it. i dont care anymore. i only have today.
all ive wanted is to play music and perform. i started out with the same set of rules and abilities as everyone else. its my fault im sick. its my fault im poor and on moms couch. dormant self destruction, self pity. i just actually had an experience but unless i maintain the connection, its only some lifestyle i’d have to chase… a party? no i want healing!
nobodys going to rescue me. somehow i have to figure this out. as it goes along i formulate but more gets sucked when ijn someone else’s reality im a parasite, selfish, stupid, no good..
or maybe its the opposite, and my current purpose is to make all the fakes look better while sacrificing my true nature and place in the wild?
i try to convince myself im on the way out. why? can i do it on my own? i did say i started with the same set of rules but the truth is i was just very trusting. i didnt understand. naive. sheltered.
ironic since i was surrounded by sex, drugs, violence, live music, hippies, bikers, cops, tears and laughing from the very beginning. something out of easy rider and grizzly adams meets dogtown.
i was abused but loved more.
i was exposed to drugs almost since the beginning so i didnt think much of it, thought it was just something everybody did. ironically i didnt start experimenting with any real interest until i was almost 19. mainly because of the people i started hanging out with.
before that i was hacking, phreaking, pirating software in a pre-internet analog underworld, reaching out trying to find anyone else in the dark.
i guess none of it matters.
im always lonely, poor, hungry, deprived.
selfish, angry, hurtful, scared
loud, crazy, the ringing in my ears never stops
the older i get the less people want me
and if i dont find a way to fix this
to get my shit together
to get on my own
im going to fail
ill never see the dream
and i dont know how much time